Personal Transformation

Moving to Winnipeg has been, to some degree, a life changing experience for me.  I mean, besides the obvious reason that a lot in my life has changed.  Over the past few months, I have undergone a huge change in who I understand myself to be, and who I see myself becoming.

When I left Edmonton, I left behind a lot of the things that kept me happy.  I left behind my family, I left behind my friends, and I left behind my Church; moreover I left my position helping lead Worship at St. John’s.  I had always enjoyed leading Worship, and it was a place that I felt called to, but it wasn’t until I left my position that I realized how important it was to me.  It was an active involvement in my faith that kept me close to God and kept me happy.

I found myself in Winnipeg: no friends, no family, and no anchor to God.  I went through some pretty intense loneliness, and found myself extremely unhappy at times.  Some of the feelings I felt reminded me of times in the past where I was at places I’d never want to be again.

There was a brief period of time where I turned to prayer, intensely.  I stopped playing my guitar.  I didn’t read, except for passages in the Bible I felt called to read.  I watched no TV, no movies.  Played no games.  When I wasn’t working, I was reflecting and praying.  I have come out of that struggle, my personal time in the desert, a changed person.  I have a hugely changed view of myself and what I am. 

That intense period of reflection was the beginning of it all; the main catalyst that has driven a change inside me.  I am far more realized now than I ever have felt before.

I am music.  It is fundamental to me, to my soul.  I am no longer content with learning music.  I need to write my own.  I need to have that outlet.  I am unhappy if I cannot play music.  Moreso than ever, I have realized how fundamental music is to who I am and what I am.  I am also not defined by my job.  I want to be as good as I can be at it, but I do not want to be known primarily for being a meteorologist.  I am social.  I am happiest with people, and I am a fish out of water when I don’t have that opportunity.  I want to get married at some point.  I want to have (a) kid(s) some day.  My faith is central to my values and my happyness.  I need to be more thankful.  Despite a rocky start, I have been extremely blessed in life and I am responsible to give back.

All of these things were in the back of my head before, but I did not have the resolve to them that I have now.  The biggest surprise for me was music.  I had always thought that it was just something I enjoyed.  To realize that it is so central to me, that whoever I end up with, it has to be something I can share with that person.  It cannot be segmented from the rest of my life.

I am very glad that I’ve had this realization.  I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been.  I feel, for the first time in a long time, feel extremely comfortable with who I am, what I am, and where I am.  I am happy, I am comfortable with my own skin, I feel secure.

I am going to try and focus on some of these newfound things.  I am going to start by trying harder to write music.  I recently wrote a song that, for the first time, I truly felt like it was an extension of myself.  I listen to it and I hear a part of me.  It is one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever had, and I want to work on making that happen more often.

I am not the same person I was when I came to Winnipeg.  I am realized.