Moving to Winnipeg has been, to some degree, a life changing experience for me. I mean, besides the obvious reason that a lot in my life has changed. Over the past few months, I have undergone a huge change in who I understand myself to be, and who I see myself becoming.
When I left Edmonton, I left behind a lot of the things that kept me happy. I left behind my family, I left behind my friends, and I left behind my Church; moreover I left my position helping lead Worship at St. John’s. I had always enjoyed leading Worship, and it was a place that I felt called to, but it wasn’t until I left my position that I realized how important it was to me. It was an active involvement in my faith that kept me close to God and kept me happy.
I found myself in Winnipeg: no friends, no family, and no anchor to God. I went through some pretty intense loneliness, and found myself extremely unhappy at times. Some of the feelings I felt reminded me of times in the past where I was at places I’d never want to be again.
There was a brief period of time where I turned to prayer, intensely. I stopped playing my guitar. I didn’t read, except for passages in the Bible I felt called to read. I watched no TV, no movies. Played no games. When I wasn’t working, I was reflecting and praying. I have come out of that struggle, my personal time in the desert, a changed person. I have a hugely changed view of myself and what I am.
That intense period of reflection was the beginning of it all; the main catalyst that has driven a change inside me. I am far more realized now than I ever have felt before.
I am music. It is fundamental to me, to my soul. I am no longer content with learning music. I need to write my own. I need to have that outlet. I am unhappy if I cannot play music. Moreso than ever, I have realized how fundamental music is to who I am and what I am. I am also not defined by my job. I want to be as good as I can be at it, but I do not want to be known primarily for being a meteorologist. I am social. I am happiest with people, and I am a fish out of water when I don’t have that opportunity. I want to get married at some point. I want to have (a) kid(s) some day. My faith is central to my values and my happyness. I need to be more thankful. Despite a rocky start, I have been extremely blessed in life and I am responsible to give back.
All of these things were in the back of my head before, but I did not have the resolve to them that I have now. The biggest surprise for me was music. I had always thought that it was just something I enjoyed. To realize that it is so central to me, that whoever I end up with, it has to be something I can share with that person. It cannot be segmented from the rest of my life.
I am very glad that I’ve had this realization. I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been. I feel, for the first time in a long time, feel extremely comfortable with who I am, what I am, and where I am. I am happy, I am comfortable with my own skin, I feel secure.
I am going to try and focus on some of these newfound things. I am going to start by trying harder to write music. I recently wrote a song that, for the first time, I truly felt like it was an extension of myself. I listen to it and I hear a part of me. It is one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever had, and I want to work on making that happen more often.
I am not the same person I was when I came to Winnipeg. I am realized.